We had a minor mishap in our kitchen. The end result required purchasing a new stove top. Naturally the new one was slightly a different size. The resident chef did his thing and researched options to cut the 1/4 inch of our granite tile. While studying up he came across a horror story of a family who did $34,000 worth of damage to their house by cutting granite and sucking the silica dust into the heating ducts. We wisely decided to hire a professional. We also built a tent to control the dust. "The Martian" is one of the rare times when I liked the movie as much as the book. You remember the scene when Matt Damon built an ecosystem out of plastic and duct tape? He did better than us. I briefly considered trying to recall my college calculus and geometry and figure out the correct way to proceed. It was easier to wing it and add more tape.
I just fisnished reading "Hidden Figures" about the black women mathmeticians who where instrumental in NASA's early days. The movie was fun, full of emotionally high charged moments and Hollywood inspiration. The truth portrayed in book was different. The changes came slowly through determination and plodding effort. The character of the women ran deep. The book was about relationships, about volunteering with Girl Scouts and Sunday School, about climbing the ladder so people behind you could follow. It was about brilliance, math and science and new frontiers. I was impressed by the grace with which these ladies faced racism. They prevailed through hard work and self control. The book was not as flashy as the Hollywood version but the strength was impressive. Sometimes its ok to go with the easy add more tape method in life. But if you want to build something which lasts I would recommend the hard work version.
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Lacey Buchanan is a tiger mom. I would call her a mama bear but that's so cliche. Lacey Buchanan is anything but cliche. Her new book, Through the Eyes of Hope, is a honest, tough, messy and gorgeous look at embracing life and fighting for the ones you love. Lacey and her husband had a fairytale romance and were thrilled when they discovered they were expecting. Ultrasounds reviewed a birth defect. The Buchanans decided to accept what God sent. However, when little Christian was born they were shocked by the degree of his birth defect. Christian was born with a severe cleft pallet and his eyes did not form. Enter doctors, surgeries, insurance forms and heartbreaking comments from strangers. Lacey pours out their story with raw truth, plenty of grace around mistakes and the love of her son. The mighty abundance of God is what I saw the most. If you have ever struggled with questions about your life and how hardships can become your strength then you need to read this book. Grab some tissues. I'm passing on this copy to a subscriber to the Quirk E-mail. If you aren't a member yet sign up today. Lacey's viral video about her baby and the lessons she learned is a great way to start your day. Watch below. Last week was less than excellent. Employee drama, had to put our cat down, wrecked my car and personally delivered a stellar mom failure. My husband and I were also tracking an overwhelming list of things we need to address. Paint on the house peeling, moles in the yard. You know. All the adult stuff. I am out of town at a work conference. Nice distraction. Good view. I'm in Seattle. I love to travel. It's even fun to visit places I have been before. New circumstances sometimes lead to new perspectives. After the past session today (PCI DSS, SASSE 16, IOS, PPMS - a full alphabet soup of fun) I headed out to find dinner and some photos. Seattle in the summer is gorgeous. Floral baskets, water and trees and mountains on every vista. Music and smiles. (If you aren't from Washington I'm actually lying. It's ugly here. Rains all the time. No need to move here). I watched the guys throw fish. Bought spiced tea and multi colored vegan and organic noodles. I talked a fruit stand into selling me a box of raspberries even though technically they closed five minutes prior. I chose a little Turkish restaurant for dinner. I bought chicken kabobs with tomato, onion and lentil soup dressing and wandered down the street, past the original Starbucks (big huge line) and sat in the park facing the water to eat my feast. There was a man digging through the trash for his dinner. He found a a bag of chicken and a packet of BBQ sauce. He laid it out on the bench like a grand buffet. Outside my hotel there sits a young lady with pink hair. Nice nails. Tracks on her arms and sadness in her eyes. I handed her the bag of raspberries. She smiled and said thank you.
I owe God an apology. The last couple days I've been keeping lists of things to do, sad woes I've endured and recounted injuries to my girlfriends. This is a better list. I'm grateful for water and sunshine and trees. For music aand some cash in my pocket. I'm grateful for insurance and forgiveness and committment. Thankful for work and roof and a clean bill of health. I'm grateful for Turkish immigrants and fish. I am grateful for the girl with pink hair. Okay. Before I tell you this story I really have to state I do know how to back up a car. For eleven years I lived at the bottom of s steep, gravel, curved road. I could back up it with my stick shift in the dark and rain. So this story is not about my lack of driving skill. It's about my inattention. Oops. My husbad is a kind and patient person. He came and rescued me and my car. He even stuck the broken off piece of trim in the back of his car. Without snide, sarcastic or demeaning comment. He wins. This is my sweet friend whose brick wall I massacred. She didn't yell at me either. Neither did her two lovely neighbors. I woke them up on a Sunday morning. They came out of their house, took a look at my car and then said. "Oh girl!" About summed it up.
While waiting for my spouse to come assess the situation my youngest was running up and down the driveway. She tripped and gloriously skinned her knees. My friend scooped her up on a massive hug and went to find bandaids. Friends and Family. This is what to do. When your friends fall down help them up. When your family crashes come to the rescue. We all know this is right. My accident was due to inattention not lack of knowledge. We do the most harm to our relationships not because we do not know the right way to go but because we fail to pay attention. Thanks team. I love you. Two weeks ago I hauled my aging cat to the vet. We should qualify for a frequent visitor award. This time his face had ballooned up and he couldn't open his eye. My professional opinion (okay fine...I googled it) was he either had a tooth abcess or had been in a fight. Again.
I know. I know. Cat owners are supposed to keep their cats inside. This particular cat was having none of that. He was born 17 years ago to a wild barn cat out in the boonies. I heard the kittens were being picked off by coyotes and so I went into rescue mode and he showed up at my house in a big cardboard box. He was indignant. If I make him stay inside anywhere too long he gets that same look. The little guy was a tad too young to leave his mama and so our dog Ripely adopted the cat. Ripley carried him around in her mouth and allowed the cat to attempt cross species nursing. They bonded quickly and were best friends until we had to put Ripley down a couple of years ago. The cat didn't eat for days. I took him to the vet. They fixed him up with some appetite supporters and we switched him to the good stuff. One week ago, after we'd let a round of antibiotics do their thing, I took the cat back in for a consult. AaaaHHH!!!! $1000 estimate for two teeth extraction and support. On a 17 year old cat. What to do. What to do. The starving kids in Africa, my kid who is ready for braces, a tree we need to pay to have taken down and a spouse who is sick of the cat peeing everywhere were weighing on me. And yet. This sweet boy. Guilt...in either decision. Grace shows up in the hard and ugly right? In the petty little things that don't globally matter but which rock our day worlds? Right? My friend wisely observed it's so hard to make decisions based on the end of a life. No kidding. Thoughts of Charlie Gard and his parents fighting the entire British government flood my brain. Perspective is good. There are moms in Syria boiling cardboard right now to feed their children as dinner. Cardboard. My cat eats better than the children in Syria. The blood work came back and revealed my pet has been betrayed by his kidneys. Surgery was pointless. Saddened and strangely relieved because the decision was obvious now, I scheduled one last appointment with the vet. I leaked grief in quiet moments all week. In the little clinicians room I struggled to hold it together. I failed. Head down on exam table I broke down while waiting for the vet to come. My kids were crying. My husband was a stable force of comfort. He patted my back and kissed my forehead. Held the girls. I pulled it together and we all said goodbye. I pause sometimes and shake my head at the photos of kids in Syria eating cardboard for dinner. I haven't once sobbed over their plight. I think perhaps God wants my heart to break for hurting kids more than my cat. Don't mistake me. It is good to love well and deeply all of creation. Barn cats included. We learn much, love grows. C S Lewis wrote this about your heart “If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket —safe, dark, motionless, airless —it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” If one of my children was crying Casey would come sit beside them. His warmth and weight would settle their spirit. Cats are proof that one of the best ways to love hurting people is to just be present. On a rough day I would take great comfort in him just sitting on my lap. Yesterday my husband's hand on my back was enough. What I know is my life was better because of this cat. I also know his life was saved because I chose to save him. The coyotes lost because I made a decision to love despite the cost to my wallet, to my carpet or to my heart. You know the obvious sermon there. Our lives are redeemed because a creator chooses us. Despite the cost. He invites us to a feast of the good stuff. He also invites us to to be involved in a rescue. Sometimes it'll break your heart. It'll cost something. But you can make a difference by choosing to be present, to invest, love, laugh and grieve.. Indoor cats are safer but the ones who go outside have adventures. Go outside. Hearts don't belong in cardboard caskets. Thanks Casey. June 19th- On this day we filled our house with family and celebrated Father's Day. We feasted on corn on the cob, fruit salad, rice and baked chicken. But not just any chicken- three separate flavors. The three 13x9 glass Pyrex pans took up whole oven. We all dug into the food and later the dishes. We had the kitchen and dining room cleaned up in record time. It was a Father's Day celebration to remember. June 27th- This day was designated to scouring the house from the top down and bottom up. The blinds were cleaned, carpet vacuumed, glass stovetop polished, furniture dusted, bathrooms scrubbed, laundry completely caught up. I felt quite pleased with my domestic accomplishments and patted myself on the back. I even called my mom to brag about how much I accomplished and how my house was shining. June 28- This was the day my son woke up and asked if we could make muffins. Having completely cleaned the house the day before I agreed. Together we preheated the oven, mixed the batter, and filled the muffin tins. I asked my miniature baking assistant to stand back and I opened the oven door and promptly stuck my foot in my mouth while simultaneously popping my eyes as wide as they could go. I was caught up in a moment of humiliation and hilarity. There in the oven were my three big Pyrex dishes sticky and gross from our big family dinner almost ten days prior. Yuck! Thank goodness there were no moldy chunks of food left--it was mostly just caked on dried up, ten day old sauce. I'm embarrassed to even publicly admit this foible! I wonder if that's how the religious leaders felt when Jesus pointedly called them out saying, "Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men's bones and everything unclean." (Matthew 23:27). I flaunted off the fact my house was clean but my oven was a mess.
As I started soaking and scrubbing my renegade dishes I thought of the verse that comes just before that reads, "You blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup, so that its outside may also be clean" and I remembered who I once was. I never doubted the existence of God, but I did question His goodness. I grew up in a great church. I had the benefit of amazing Sunday School teachers and children's programs. I had family members who were pastors and missionaries who spoke into my life. My parents daily lived out their Christian faith. I memorized bible verses and sang in the children's choir. I put on my frilly dresses and patent leather shoes every Sunday. I learned quickly how to act the part. When I was nine I sat in my room playing with my seven year old cousin. We were dressing Barbie dolls and she got very quiet and looked at me and said, "Michelle, I'm going to die." It was discovered that she had childhood leukemia. I immediately responded by telling her, "We are going to pray and if Jesus can walk on water then He can heal you too". She died on Easter weekend. My trust in the goodness of God was shattered. I continued to go to church with my family. I still got up in front of church and performed. I still put on my Sunday best and acted like a good little Christian girl should. But inside I was festering. My heart was hardened and hate-filled. My parents would tuck me in at night and say prayers with me and I would go through the motions regurgitating words of praise and thankfulness, but as soon as they walked out of the room and the lights were out I would lie in bed and I would spew my hatred out to God. My genuine nightly prayer was..."God, how could you? I hate you. I HATE YOU!" My heart felt like a hot coal in the palm of my hand and no matter how much it hurt and seared my flesh, I could not let go. My hypocritical act went on for years. I was a white washed tomb. Seventh grade was about to begin. The church just hired a brand new youth pastor. It was my first night in Youth Group. I don't remember the rest of the devotional that night except for one verse that pierced my heart. Romans 5:8 "But God proves His own love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us!" Yet while I hated Him, Christ loved me. Yet while I despised Him, He died for me. That night, alone in my bed, I said a new prayer. "God, if it's true, if you really do love me, take my hatred and give me your kind of love. I'm sorry. Please forgive me." Even though I made Him my enemy- He became my savior. Ezekiel 36:26 says,"And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart." He took my heart of hate and replaced it with His heart of love and joy. I was no longer a whitewashed tomb. I was washed from the inside out. Christ called Lazarus out of the tomb. The tomb that held Christ himself is empty and He called me out of my darkness, doubt and hatred. He is still calling. Next time I clean my house I will do a more thorough search of my kitchen. Next time I am tempted to question God's goodness I will remember to pray these words from Psalms: "Investigate my life, O God, find out everything about me; Cross-examine and test me, get a clear picture of what I’m about; See for yourself whether I’ve done anything wrong-- then guide me on the road to eternal life." Psalms 139:23-24 Summer. 5th grade graduation, Vacation Bible School and the 4th of July are all past. Zoom! I feel a bit like Ferris Bueller but may I point out its important to slow down and look around? I don't want to miss all the little joys in my deadline driven, list checking life. Bright and early on 4th of July my 4 yr old firecracker set about the house taping pictures of hearts to the walls. I watched for a bit and then asked her why. "I've decided to celebrate Valentine's Day today." Okay then. You do you little miss. She did accept with joy the cotton candy at the neighborhood carnival and handled her giant sparkler with the seriousness the event required. She's wearing my flip flops because half way through the day one of her shoes disappeared. I swear our family can't manage our stuff. After valiantly attempting to keep my car clean it has again deteriorated into squalor. My mom left her glass dish at the 4th of July BBQ. I didn't dare take it out of the car to clean it off and properly return it to her because I was afraid the sewing room would swallow it up if I carried it into the house. So I handed it back to her today still with berry juice stains. Sigh. I make it sound like our house is a mess. Truly not so. My husband is amazingly competent and so the mess is really quarantined to my car and my sewing room. I'm afraid sometimes my kids follow my lead. Or lack there of. Earlier in the week our eldest got to spend the day at the beach with a dear friend. Is there anything better than standing with someone you love staring out at a wide expanse? It's like a reminder that everything is bigger than you at the very same time you are grounded with a closeness from your friend. Oddly enough this daughter is wearing my shoes also. She's reached the age we're nearly the same size shoe and she'd grown out of her sandals. So mine went to the beach. I swear most of successful motherhood is in the accepting your stuff is not your own. Any of it. Even your time. Right now I'm sitting in an empty house. I just got home from work. One kid is off at a friend's for the night. The resident chef and the little one are headed back this way. If I remind myself to slow down perhaps tonight we'll paint, or eat strawberries straight off the bushes. Or we'll read or take a walk. If I don't remind myself I'm likely to sit self absorbed on my phone, or watch a brainless show and generally ignore my family. I'll waste the space and time. So I'm taking these few moments to pause. To remind myself. Maybe this is why my daughter taped hearts to the wall and declared an extra Valentines Day right in the midst of our mess and crazy schedule on the Fourth of July. Sometimes we have to be decisive to love well.
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About MeI love Jesus. I think my two daughters can change the world. I think you can too. Past Posts
August 2020
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